Sunday, May 28, 2017

Relationships!



   It is one of the scariest things to me right now. It is giving a person the ability to love you and stop loving you whenever they decide. One my friend was telling me to take the risk. Thinking about this friend of mine, he never takes risks he waits for someone to come to him first. He wants me to face my fear when he hides behind logic. When logically speaking he has no logic and love is not logical. He just uses it as a wait to guard his heart from breaking.

    I see the people around me who are in relationships and they reasons for being in the relationship are even scarier. Like I understand you would not want to hurt someone feelings but being in a relationship with them because you were afraid to say no does not seem as though it would even last. To be frank I would prefer tell me how they actually felt than be with me and break my heart in the long run when I am head over heels for you.
Hurt my feeling with the truth than lie to me just to make me feel good. I do not want someone who has to think about being with me before they go with me. I want someone who knows I am who they want.

    Like I am not the type of girl to make a list of want I want in a guy. I do not need someone to complete me nor do I need a guy. If I want you in my life is because I want you not because I need you in it to survive. If you understand, what I mean by that.
To me you and only you should complete you. You do not need anyone to complete you. The person you love should not be what makes you complete. When I talk about a list, you know that list where you write down your definition of the “perfect guy”. Instead of that list see what you bring to the table, what you have to offer to that relationship than making expectation of a guy you never met nor got to know yet. 

   It is not that I am anti relationship. I come across as anti-relationship because girl when you get your heart broken by the person you thought you was going to spend the rest of your life with. Your best friend basically your everything. Girl you turn a little cold and isolated from that term relationship. Like I know it is going to be a long while till I ever go into another relationship. But for now I shall get my life together, get my degree and live my live.

   What is your opinion of relationships? What is your advice on it and how long have you been in a relationship or single??

Fort George in Trinidad

      It amazing to see the beauty of Trinidad. Even though our beauty island has its dark past due to slavery. Our past shows that we can handle anything that comes our way because we overcame that horrific past.

      First time going to see the cannons used in the past and the area where there held the slaves when they first arrived to the shores of Trinidad. Thinking of how their felt and how sad they were when their arrived. Their must of missed their family and home so much.

      Walking around the place I took some photos to remember the day I had and the view I saw.




      More of the images I took are on my Instagram- @_lenoraaa

    For these photos I used new software named Vectr. The company stated that the site : “it’s a free and very simple vector graphics editor for web and desktop. Vectr has a very low learning curve and is super intuitive to use." 



    Everything they stated in very true about this site. I would be using this site and the other sites I use on my blog. I would love if you all go and check out Vector graphics editor.

                   (This is not sponsored, I was not paid to mention this on my blog) 

    I  really like it. It is very simple to used and the only thing I still have to get the hang off is downloading the pictures and applying it to the blog. The photos above I used on the editor to attach my name to the photo. 

Thank you for reading my blog. Do not forget to check out my Instagram and Vectr.

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

End Of an Era.


   When I think about this one person, I think about our past and how different it is now between us. He was the first guy I ever had a crush on in high school but when I got over it, he entered my life and we became friends. He said the first time he spoke to me; I had the meanest facial expression. I was like really. I told him I was thinking ooh this boy has nice hair but why you speaking to me.

_ I think he has a way of entering my life over and over soon as I am completely over him_ Like I feel the sparks_ Thankfully I do not feel no more sparks_ Someone above throw some water on those sparks.

   The fact that he remembers those little details makes me wonder at times. Honestly, because those things happen four or five years ago. I sat down thinking why did I look at him in a mean way the first time he approached me. As I thought about it, I remembered. It is because I finally got over him and did not feel anything for him and then he decided to enter my life to mess with it.


   Now we are friends and occasionally I am mean to him, but now I know how my facial expression was on our first encounter I think he has no right to tell me I am mean, because he had a choice from day one to leave or stay and he chose to stay even thought my facial expression was mean towards him.


   It funny how, He gets vex when I deny the fact that we never had anything. He said we shared feelings for each other. I was like no we never did, there was nothing between us and it was not real. The look on his face when I said that was priceless. He tried to tell me it was real but I was like no. I only blew my cover by saying, I know what I felt was real but you it was not real.


   We honestly were something, something that I was afraid of so I made excuses for not taking it to the relationship point. I had a friend who liked him even though she was in a relationship and how I felt about him was way before her and she and I  were not even friends at that point. Honestly we never were friends. We are more like classmates. But I know he liked her, so maybe I thought that would be his what if. But I also knew if he genuinely did he would not have walked away that easily when she left for someone else. So I used her as my excuse. I was scared of falling so deep that coming up for air was not necessary.


   He said once, his search was over, and that he knew we would end up together. I know that scared me even more and I did not what it to happen. I like him a lot but I never wanted to risk the friendship we built. He the type of guy that in his presence your heart beats a mile a minute and you feel safe with him no matter the situation.

   It was the type of friendship that I did not need to explain what I meant because he knew what I meant. We stayed up hours talking to each other and during the day. It was long conversations and it was amazing. 

   What do I think? I think that he really did love me once upon a time. I also think he still has feelings but he hides it. But that is what I think, it could also be false. I think he knows what he had with me and pretends that if I do move on it would not bother him.


   But as faith had it, I made the right choice in the past. Now he is with that same girl I made my excuse. Even though he was totally guilt trip into the relationship. He still went so I know that I made a good decision in the past. The only thing is I cannot take his relationship seriously at all. It just looks like a big pretense.


   I guess the reason I have those feelings is because I know him. I know him in a way no one else does and honestly I think he knows that to. And I will come back to that in a moment. The reason I cannot take his relationship seriously is because of a conversation we had. So knowing him as well I supposedly do. I kept seeing him looking like he pretending to be happy for days or maybe week or two and then finally I got annoyed ( YOU know I completely rolled my eyes).



   So being me, I mention that I have something to ask him... but I know I should not ask him that... But being him he wanted to know what it was... I was like nope I cannot tell you nor ask you. So I left and went to my "secret place" it is not that secret everyone know where it is. So after he got finished with his work he came and find me. Told you my secret place is not that secret anymore. So he bugged me to tell him for a solid ten minute till I craved. And I told him that it looked like he was pretending and when she is not around he seemed happy.



   So this conversation lasted about two hours, it felt like five minutes. I tried comparing our situation which he totally got confused with thinking I meant them. (I know this, then and a while ago he tried to ask which situation I really was referring to, girl I change that conversation so fast.)  This is also when I deny that there was not anything between us. And walking down the stairs is where he said we shared feeling and then I told him whatever I felt it was real and whatever he felt was fake. I walked away thinking crap did I just say that, did I just admitted I had feelings for him then. "Crap!"


   Also, I think before when he was making his decision to go with her. He was trying to see if there was anything between us. But being me I ignored all of it. Like I know, the site of him made my heart beat so fast, but I did not want to be in the way nor an option. Funny thing is I know if I told him anything his decision would have been different. Or maybe not.


   So time went by and they are still together, and I feel like she knows we had something. Well I think, and then again a few years ago she thought we were together but we were not. So maybe she does not think we are. But she goes and extra mile to be "lovie dovie" around me and it totally is weird but it is like whatever. Also I would like to ask him if she knows but that a weird question so I never asked.


   He and I are close but I try to not let him tell me stuff. Like I feel like he think I am his safe place so he just vent, but if you have a girlfriend I do not care if we are friends tell her your business so I change the topic, which he totally do not realize.


   The worst thing I think he done this year. He is my friend and he knew I did not have a Valentine's but it was also his first Valentine's with her so you will expect him to do something nice. I decide to wear a dress and not look like an anti-valentine’s person even though I was completely single. So he saw me and it made sense he be with his girlfriend first. So he, with his smart self-went a couple feet away from me on a different table with his guy friends waited until she arrived then they both came by me. Which to be honest I hated because they always stay toooooo long. Like they could leave after five minutes. So I guess she told him she just want a cake or something from Linda's. I did not know where he was going because he just got up and left. Which gave her the opportunity to annoy me, by asking, “What to get him for valentines?” (On Valentine’s Day💓)


   Like you’re the girlfriend you suppose to know what to get him not me. He finally came back and he got us the same thing. Like I know she was so annoyed and played it off... It was a mini red velvet heart shaped cake. He bought the same thing for girlfriend and me his friend. Like boy you never had to.


   To be honest, I reach to school really early and normally he comes to harass me and we talk and talk till she comes and then the conversation gets stand still. Till we remember something and say it. To be honest we have our conversation and she does not know what the hell we talking about. Which I feel really bad for because he is lost to what is going on. So now I just do not really talk much unless I am asked a question.  I know for fact, we if I was her I would be annoyed. He leaves his place where he always is just to come by me.


   Where I sit is a corridor and a room away from where he is. So that divides us by four staircases to get to the upstairs area where we are. The fastest way to reach to him is the fourth staircase. The fastest way to reach me is the second staircase. She always takes the second staircase. And when she does not see him she ask me if he is in school. Like I am supposed to know or keep an eye out for him. Like you could just text him and ask.


   So let’s get back closer to this month. The first of May. It was my friend’s birthday and also the Monday before finals started for me. My friend asked me to come celebrate a little which them. I reach to school normal time as usual. I honestly did not expect to see him, but he had and exam in the evening. So he came to annoy me. This was around eight in the morning. I was thinking okay this little child would leave in an hour. No he left when I had to leave so he stayed from eight till eleven. We sat talk like friend do. Till finally someone texted him. So I got to read some notes. I turned away from him and rest my head on the table and read my notes from my phone.


   So of course, as bothersome as he is, he decided to harass me. So I got up like really. Plus I was super sleep. So I sat down and he went on texting. I read, I yawn, so he was sitting down leaning on the wall so I leaned in on his side and start to read again... Making the worst comment. I was like you are not comfortable. To be honest I was thinking my ex was way more comfortable.🙈


   But then this happens. I could feel his breathing in and out. Then our breathing went in sync. At that point I was like, what is happening. Then I was like he is a boy he would not even notice, but I rose off and he giggled. I would have sworn he realized but I highly do not think he did.


   Finally, my friends called and I left but I told him I would check him before his exam began which I did because I am good friend and I felt bad leaving even though I want to leave way before.


   I think we share a special bond, I remember we were talking about how people come and go in our lives. So being a meanie as I am. I said well I waiting for the day I exist your life forever🚪... He responded no, that is not going to happening. In my head ooh really. Then he mention that day we had the conversation of him pretending. He wanted to know what I was referring to. I changed the topic. Lets not opening that bag of worms that is in the past. That is the day he realize how well I do know him. I know he hides behind logic. Anything that he thinks is real, he get out of it by saying or it was logical for it not to happen.


   He realized I am the only person he leaves and makes the effort to look for; He leaves where he is always at just to harass me. To be honest he being making all the effort since day one. He the one who attempted to talk to me first. He messaged me first. He made the effort without realizing he was making and effort.


   We have a friendship that has its ups and downs. It have days that we do not speak together because we were vex with each other. And I would not talk to him unless he starts talking. I would never tell him what I really think of his relationship. I just hope he is actually happy and not doing it because he thinks it is the right thing to do.


   I think my feelings for him is care. I would forever care for him. But some of his decisions make me question him as a man!


What do you think? Tell me if you want to hear more about this friendship.


    But I do think it is an end of an era. I think we were meant to be friends but I think we might drift apart soon. I honestly would not mind if we do drift apart. He not the same guy I used to know. The guy I used to know would go after what he wants and be honest in the way he actually felt. He would not talk himself into anything.


   Oh well, once you happy. I am happy for you and would come to your wedding; because honestly I feel like she would tell he when to propose and he would do it! So that event would be in a few years.

Sunday, May 14, 2017

Happy Mother's day!!

   So day is mother's day! Around the world for the most part, I know that England already celebrated Mother's day. Happy Mother's day to all the new moms and the moms who been moms for ages!

   This would be the first Mother's days without my grandmother. I know their are so many people who moms or grandmother has past one. I know that part of you is feeling empty today, but remember no matter what they are always in your heart and always looking after you.

   So I hope for the most part I hope you all are having a good day and your moms or nan or grandmother or nonie is on mind.

!!!!!!!!HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO ALL THE MOMS AROUND THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

Confused and Not sure if it is anything!

I will always feel someway about him, I would not deny it. I think we have a connection that is rare  in a place like this. I wish I could be plain and just tell him, how I felt but it to complicated and I do not think it even right at this point. Because I know, well I think it would never work out and we have always been friends. I think I just care. I know I care and that is about it.

I rest back against his side and I could of feel him breathing, then out breathing sync. It was so strange yet so imperfectly perfect. I got up and he chuckled making me think he realized that it happened, but I really do not think he did.

So we were talking about the fact that there are some people in your life that would  come and go. So with my mean self, I stated that I waiting to see when I become on those persons, when will we finally drift apart. He was like no! you are not going to be on those persons. Sometimes, I feel he know want he wanted and now we are so neutral that we could never be anything else but friends.

We are great friends, I hope that friendship last. Even though we might get on each other nerves, but we are always there for each other. Whatever happens in this lifetime. He the friend I want by my side. As the time goes on and the days pass maybe the logic he hides behind would show him who he truly is in love with.