Sunday, December 31, 2017

Our story- The donut shop romance!- Wrapped up and time to put away!

I remember this day like if it was yesterday. I remember that school was over and my friend and I was walking out going to wait for the bus. But you know when your friends have other friends that are kinda annoying, but you just smile and act normal. LOL so she came and decided to walk with us. I saw one my friends from primary school, and I decided that I will walk with him instead and meet my friend where we wait for the bus. So walking and talking about, I cannot remember what, but this tall, fair skin boy came up at the side of me. So my friend introduce us. His actual name, I did not hear what it was when my friend said it. So when the guy asked me what his name was. I replied sorry I cannot remember. To be honest, he was my friend, friend I did not really care to remember his name. To my surprise, I did not know then I would of fallen in love when him.

From that day on, I think we saw each other everyday since. I was in that school for years now, and never saw him. but one encounter and I never not saw him again. We chit chat after school. Then to my surprise we were Facebook friends already. (Hitting some memories I locked away) So started talking there and we talked after school. At this point it was a tradition, I saw him everyday after school. So by this time, our main place and where it all began, was the doughnut shop.

So we started off as friends, I did not like him from the get go. I  think after getting to know him. I started to fall. So this kid decided to buy be a doughnut, why? I really do not know. And for some weird reason I wrote the date on the brown bag and kept the bag. I still have that bag. That was back in 2013. I really do not know what made me keep the bag, I did not know how I felt about him, nor how he felt about me. But I guess my heart knew before I did.

So the only person, I ever told everything to about relationships, is my aunt from the doughnut shop, think she figured out before us, that we liked each other, before we did. I guess you can say we was the two people everyone wanted in a relationship, but we took years to actually get together. So he has really pretty brown eyes, You will think that I would realise the colour of his eyes, right. Nopes, we was friends for months. So we was standing outside, and we was just joking around being mean. I think I told him, when smiled it looked like the Grinch!!! haha.. I was joking, the away he looked at me and opened his eyes so wide, that is when I realized the colour of his eyes, I was like damn, his eyes are gorgeous,  then I forgot for a moment  what I was talking about..

This is the worst thing to write, I have to travel back to all these memories, do not get me wrong, I will never forget them but at this point it is hard to think about them..

So the first time he asked me to be his girlfriend, it was over the phone, and he told me to think about it and when school reopens I can give him a answer. To be honest, he would of got a yes, but he added in the when school open part. So I am here thinking, Okay your going to ask me again in person when you see me in school! Right?  Nopes, Instead I heard he was with someone else. Soo He got a girlfriend. But we was friends.

So I was like whatever, lets get close to the other guy who clearly was interested, but even though everything and even he, himself is perfect. I knew if we got together it would not work. But we had/have a connected that no one till this day can break!! But we remain really good friends.You know who that is by the way.

So the fact that he left and did not care about what he asked me, I should of taken that as the biggest red flag!!! ENT!!! YES. I should of. But my aunt was talking to me about it... I cannot remember when they broke up, but it was like a year after we got together. But I continued getting close to my friend, like you left, I can move on with my life. Like I was convince to carry my friend to my prom, like my aunt was like you are single, he likes you a lot, take him. But I just did not want to complicate us.

Let's back track before prom, I think. Our first kiss, I remember it was in the doughnut shop, it was like a peck, and my bus had came, I smiled like a complete idiot the whole way home.

The next guy is somewhat important, that is what I told you the above part, lets be fair, thinking about that big red flag, I should of gone with my friend, RIGHT, But i knew it would not work..

So jump to when we was in lower six, 2014. He asked me to be in a relationship, this time we actually got past that question, and actually when into the relationship. The first person, I sadly told first, I kinda had to tell the kid, I choose to go into a relationship, plus he knew I liked the guy who the story is about. I think, they was a part when he told me choose him and not the relationship, so you see I had a lot of outs from this relationship, but never took it. But me and the friends, are always better of as friends. Hence, why we are still friends.

So the relationship started on 10/09/2014, I really not feeling to go through details, So whatever pops up in my mind, that is what I going to talk about, somethings might me left out, but who cares.

So first thing that pops up, I feel like the first few months of anniversaries were amazing, maybe the first two I got a card, then it just stopped. My card for the second anniversary is always going to be my favourite card, like that card I think made me think yeah this relationship was the best choice. And the first valentines card is my favourite, basically the things that were the first he put effort into, those where my favourite.

So one thing he had a problem with, was my friend, you know that new Demi song, Girl that gave me some deja vu, yes go watch, tell me you love me. So I know that the kid was just a friend, but he thought otherwise, which is one dumb because when you think about it, you left me, technically for someone else, I never went with him, so why have a problem!! but oh well. I think, that should of been a red flag, but I do not what I was thinking.

So then, I had this event to go to, and I took him. And Yes! We fought at the event, for a bit. Which was so dumb. But the part I remember, so my parent came for me, and he had to wait. but I forgot something at the place. But I never texted him I was coming back.. I collected it, then I spotted him, I did not say anything, I just walked over, sat on his lap and kissed him, one the place was dark, it was a party after all. I think that is one my favourite moments with him, one before I am not that type of person to make a move and I did that.

Lets talk family!! I love his family, they are really good, amazing people. To be fair, every time I buy pizza I remember his dad, because once he bought me a pizza and the way he dresses a pizza is amazing. I would never have anything bad to say about his family, I meant a lot of them. They where all amazing. So if anyone ever comes and ask. That is my answer. They raised their kids amazingly and whoever becomes part of their family is really lucky. And his grandmother is the sweetest!! Hope he always be the guy he is, when he is with his grandparents.

The moment, I realised, I did not just love him, but I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, we was in his mom store, and he was just sit down. We was not talking or anything, we were just sitting. I looked at him and I just randomly thought, he is who I can see myself with in the long run. Like I loved him more than anything. Like we went through a lot, doctors to him nearly dying. Everything. We went through a lot. But I think it made us, kind of stronger. (that be so much nicer to say if we were together.)

A moment, that made me smile, So a day we was walking to school, and our hands just fell into on another and it was like it was just meant to be that way. It was amazing. I was a prefect for a form one class, so I never wanted to be holding hands and they saw, but I am such a sucker for those cute stuff like holding hands.

Our parents met each other, my dad liked him, my mom also, she still does, because I never told them why we broke up. Which is not important. I was the person who always fixed us, I felt like he never tried to fix it, he just replied on me to. I just hated that. I honestly wanted space, but I never got it and it lead to us being officially broken up..

So, it is passed a year, No effort or him ever trying to fight for us to be a couple. Soo I think it is time to officially stop hoping he will man up and fight for who or what he wants. To be fair, I do not think we are mature, well not mature, more like do not think I want to know what or who he been up to this year. And If we ever, but now we comes to the conclusion it is not happening. I think we need to talk about the main issues of why the relationship ended. And who we been with, did stuff with, like I meant I would want to know, even though it would gross me out, but if we got together I do not want some girl thinking, she has the upper hand, like no I know about you love.

But it is had to give up on someone, you thought you was going to marry, have kids with. Have that couch that turns into a bed, so if he piss me off that is where he going. Like it is the little things that you remember, that make you sad. The plans you make with the persons, plans you realise you might be making with someone else.

My last words, I know it is a relationship, I would tell my grand kids about, he was my first love. He will always be important. He could end up in the hospital today and if his mom calls or I find out, I would be there. No questions to that.

Message to my ex, I hope you remember and stay the guy who I first fell in love with. I hope you has an amazing life. I hope you meet someone who you loves  and trust with your whole heart. I hope you never gets your heart broken or in any situation you cannot get yourself out of. I will always love you, but it is begin a year, and a year without effort of getting back together, it clear that what we had is/was not worth fighting for. So time to move on. Have an amazing life. Be the guy that run out of school and met me in five minutes time just to meet me, and once you are that guy, you will make anyone happy.

To be fair, I do not think, he knows me. I think if he truely knew me, he would of know I wanted him to fight for us, like show me effort, tell me how you actually felt. Tell me in person, something. But oh well....

My relationship is something I will never regret or ever want to fully forget, I hope we both find happiness and may be find our soulmates one day.

Last post!! So time to leave this chapter in the past!

Since today is the last day of the year, please fix something or a frienship, but mend fences with someone. Or just make someone smile today.πŸ’—

Friday, December 29, 2017

When is time to move on!!

I think the easiest thing is to say you MOVED ON!! or I moved on. It like we convince everyone around us that we moved on. It is way harder to convince ourselves. I was talking to my cousin last night. About relationships of course. So we came to the conclusion that if a girl breaks off the relationship is completely different from when a guy breaks off the relationship.

Guys are more mind strong, no hidden meaning. Once they make up there mind it is over it is definitely over. Now I could be wrong. Do not kill me. LOL this is just my opinions.

On the other hand girls, I think when we call for the break up, we want them to fight for us, show us some effort. But the thing is we do not say that. We either just ignore them or act cold.... But it depends on the situation if you cheated on her. When she says it is over it is most definitely over!

I think when you love someone and thought that person is the one, you will always have hope that, they are the one! but then you think, you broke up for a reason, and if you did break up maybe it was for the best.

I think if you think that person is the one, you have to fight for them, you both have to fight for the relationship. I mean if no effort is shown, then is really time to move on. I guess, I am writing this to convince myself that my relationship is over. NO effort and no relationship.

So the last post for this year, would be the story of that relationship, you know once it becomes a story it officially over. I think, even though I hope so how we would magical find our way back together. I think it is time to stop hoping. I guess, to be fair, Plus I highly do not think I want to know what and who he was up to this year, and talk though our issues...

I guess,  maybe it is better to start over fresh, with someone else. I not saying I am going into a relationship anytime soon. So stay tune, to read about that story of my life. I should finally close that chapter in my life... because it clearly cannot be fixed.

Sunday, December 24, 2017

DAy 6 AND 7 wrapped up!

Merry Christmas EVE!!!!πŸ’“
Still looking for my Christmas Joy or whatever! LOL I really just not feeling the Christmas Vibes, because soon as Christmas is over. It well make it a year since my grandmother passed.

I do not want to kill the mood!! So I want to say to everyone!!

Merry Christmas!!!  
Enjoy your day and be Merry.
πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’‹πŸ’‹πŸ’‹πŸ’‹πŸ’‹πŸ’‹πŸ’‹πŸ’‹πŸ’‹ Keep the Joy in your heart! Remember to smile and love yourself and everyone around you. It's time for new beginnings! So keep that smile on that beautiful face. Add me on Instagram so I can see how you spend Christmas with your family.

Friday, December 22, 2017

Day 5- A Little history!!

So it's the 22nd and I do not feel like Christmasee!! So as you can see I remodel the blog.. Do you like it? Leave me a comment below if you do. I like it a lot! That was I worked on today and last night.

I really want to go to the mall, so that I could get photographs for Instagram of the decorations, but my parents are stick and well my mom is never home, so I might never make it to mall....

So someone ask me, Why I have not allowed myself to like anyone or go into a next relationship?

In my life I would say there are three important guys thus far who has been in my life. I spoke about all three, some more that the others. The first one, I met when I was really young thirteen, back then I thought I was to young to be in a relationship. So I did not agree to the relationship part, but he is important because to me, I had my fairy tale moment with him. The way me met, the wedding. I have never felt like the way I felt when I met him, with anyone else. The way we met was amazing. The blog post The Butterflies were real was about him, click to read!

The second guy, he was my crush! From the first day I laid eyes on him, I was damn He is fine!!! So I liked him from the moment I saw him lol!!! It's the moment when the person your crushing on also likes you. LOL But that situation was complicated. Like I truly cared about him and part me think I was falling in love with him, but I also knew it would not work. And Yes my crush admitted he was in love with me. I could remember that day. And where I was.
One thing I miss about that moment in my life, is the conversations we had. The late night conversations. The way he tried to hide that he liked me but gave the most dumb hints. I remember one time I had a math test right, He knew I am one math nerd!! So I was like I am studying, I never study for math though. He said, if you do really well in this exam I'll take you on a date. I was like you know am really good at math right. He was like yeah! LOL
We had a lot of moments, but I never went into the relationship. WE remained really good friends, somewhat, he is the friend I been fighting with and making up with this year.
I always say I played my cards wrong with him, twice. Before my first relationship, I could of been with him but I did not, because I just knew it would never work out. Then after my relationship ended, I could of been with him again, but I did like I did not catch the hints. And the same girl who would of been a factor back then, showed up again, but this time I help them get together, which is so dumb never do that, ever!!!! Especially when you both had feelings.
I think, he understood, I had now gotten out of a relationship and I was not ready and he would of gotten a no. Like I saw all the hints, but I was like noopes!! Sometimes I do regret it, but then I remember you did not want to go into it in the beginning so no.
Worst part is, when he says, I should of taken my own advice, the advice I gave him now girlfriend. But I did not have feelings, I had a million feelings but feelings  for him was not at the top of the list.So kind of hard to be friends when you know, even though so much years past he still has all the feelings he once had.
But he like the friend, you have, that no matter what you can count on to be there.

I feel like I should just continue this about him! LOL

So I got close to one of his friends! When we was fighting, just to make sure he was okay. Like hey how is he! He good! That kind of close. So his friend and I was sitting one day after I had labs, My labs are from 1-6... So I was tired. So he asked, "Hey, can I ask you something?" Okay so I hate that line, it scares me!! Mine you I do not tell people about me and the second guy, if they know us, we are just friends.
So his friend was like, There was something between you and him right!, Me: NO!! lol ( lies!!!) He was like, you are lying. lol!!!!!!!!!!!!! He was like, honestly the only reason I asked is because, I thought you all was together the first time I met you and the randomly the next girl appeared so I was confused. He maybe the only person I ever sat down with and told that story to.
I mean, even though I am part of the reason they got together, I understand why his girl friend would not like me, it pretty clear whatever we had was real, even though if anyone ask me I would say it was not. And if his friends thought I was the girlfriend and approved.I would feel a way to.

So I push that friendship to the side. Like even though we made up!! I am not going to all merry and happy. Or sees him and be like heyyy and hug him NO!!! We used to see each other every morning and he would stay until I had class, I mean he annoyed the hell out of me but it was nice to have someone around.

The day I realized, we still had something after so long, was a day I was not supposed  to be in school! Like I only went because it was my friends birthday. So I was waiting for them. He came and normally he leaves around 8. Nopes, this day he stayed and did not leave!!! Like it was like 11 he was still by me. I was getting so sleepy. So I lie down on my  books that was on the table! I think he was on his phone or something. SO I was like nice he would not harass my soul!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOO he harassed me soon as I was about to fall asleep!

So I got up and lay on his side, like against his shoulder, but I could feel him breathing, like he was nervous or something. But I could feel his body going in and out! Then I was thinking, aww that so cute, the when my breathing pattern went in time with his.. like it felt like we was connected and our bodies was one. He chuckled and I moved, I was like noopes this cannot be happening. I never asked him if he felt what I was feeling though!! weird.
 The blog post Once in a blue moon, was our story!! Pieces of it, I left out parts I think. Click to read.

Well didn't  I stray far from the question! LOL

So my first relationship, I thought it was going to be the last!!! Like part me still thinks that, like we still talk! But not like talk talk!! Like seeing him with girls, never affects me, I am like okay whatever. I know what I been up to, so judging your new taste! LOL the people it affects is my friends! LOL Like they like really that's who he gonna like etc!!! Its only when they get in my head I actually pay it attention. But other than that, I could not care less.
I am not the type of person, to be go play friendly because you moving on or sabotage it. Like am happy for you boo, lol if that who you like do you!!! I see it more like, I know the real him and you just seeing the "nice" version till shit gets serious!

Plus I know I do not want to be in a relationship! Its not like no one wants to be with me! Like I know I could be in a relationship or be kissing some next guy now. I just choose not to.

This is why! I spent 4-5 years with one guy!!! I have time for myself. I can be free and do as I please, not thinking about how someone else feelings going to be affected. I do not what to give up my freedom and self space now!!! If the right guy comes and proves to me, he is the guy! I would give him the chance. But I am not the type of girl to go flirt with a guy because I like him, or go hold his hand because he is cute. NO! Am not going to kiss random guys. That's  not me. I never been the type of girl to "throw" myself onto a guy. I am not going to go above and beyond to flirt with some guy and give him all my attention because he is CUTE!!! NO

If I met a guy and it just flows and they is not any factors keeping us from being together. I would give it a chance to get to know him. But I am not going to be all flirtie and do the most, if the guy do not feel the same! Like his feelings got to match mines and his efforts has to match mines!!!

Honestly I am just not ready!! Not ready to give up my me time!! I honestly like being single! Its boring somethings but its been interesting. When you met a blue eyes boy and the conversation was amazing. Like girl that conversation was amazing, I was like amen I single. He was fine!!!!! And blue eyes. YES PLEASE.

But I think, whoever I am meant to be with with come, when the time is right. Now it time to get me right!!!!

Thursday, December 21, 2017

Day 3 and 4 Wrapped Up in One!

I been under the weather, And I am not feeling the Christmas spirit. To explain! Last year on Boxing day, which is the day after Christmas my grandmother passed away. To be completely honest, My heart, spirit, everything is so broken, I cannot even explain. You can say I been writing a blog post about her a year now and I cannot finish because it is so hard.

So I keep thinking this time last year, she was alive. She was home, doing her normal stuff, All now she was alive and I was not there. She took care of me since I was a baby, and we had the most amazing conversation about life and everything, that was how last conversation. I really do miss her. So much my heart hurts.

I am that type of person that never shows emotions, so everyone think, I am amazing, happy. When in reality, I feel like a broken egg, broken anything. I cannot tell you how many night this year I cried. Cried so much do not when I actually fell asleep. Like I got my heart broken, last year also.... I thought that broke me.. Then when she passed. I felt like my broken heart, expanded, the cracks enlarged. And my heart was scattered all over the universe.

Like, I am broken to the extreme. I never thought I would of lost her. Like I never thought about that fact that she was getting old and one day it would happened. I just never. She was like my mom. Writing this brings up so much most emotions.But I really miss her. I do not have her to go Christmas shopping with. I feels so weird.

I remember last year, well beginning of this year, New years, I woke up and dial her number, I completely forgot. Sad thing is this year I actually have a car, I could just go over, I could of taken her grocery shopping. To the mall. Anywhere she wanted.

This year my anxiety level is/was so high. it feels like the entire world was against me. Like nothing I could do would be right. Feel normal, I just feel broken and lost. I mean, I barely blog. This year went by so fast. Like how did time fly so fast.

I decorated the Christmas tree, to feel somewhat in the spirit it did not help. The tree looks good though.

I was planning yesterday to tell you how I make CARAMEL FLAN! 

I guess its a lazy method! LOL

Basically everything goes into a blender, the blender does all the work.

So in the blender, ADD! 5-6 eggs, Sugar, evaporated milk, condensed milk, Cream cheese, Vanilla essence. ( Could add some spice! Cinanomon, etc)

then the sugar part, ....... Let me link a recipe! LOL be easier. Even though the recipe do not have cream cheese, use it! LOL

Here is a link for proper instructions : Easy Caramel Flan

Tuesday, December 19, 2017

Day 2- Christmas Tree

So I decided that since only one more week for Christmas, that everyday till Christmas I will post something. Day 2
Do not forget to follow me on Instagram:  (Also DM me when you do)

So because I live in the Caribbean, and I never traveled out of my country, well not yet. I have never seen a real Christmas tree, sad right! Never saw snow either.

So a few years ago, when I moved house. My mom bought a new, huge artifical tree. So as the years went, we added new ornaments. So my cousin got married about a year ago, so they did not have a Christmas tree, guess who gave them mines, My MOM!!! She gave away the tree. I had exams around that time so I did not say anything.

Lucky I still had my Christmas tree from when I was little. It is the same height as me. I remembered standing on the couch to put the angel on the top. So this year I went out and got new ornaments, Blue and copper gold.

Soo I think I have officially watched all the Christmas movies on YouTube!! they were all amazing. I tell you I laughed and cried etc. So just check out YouTube, if you need a little Christmas joy.
Well am really tired! Tomorrow post would be much better. Enjoy the rest of your night, Sweet dreams love.

Monday, December 18, 2017

One week till Christmas!!!

So I decided that since only one more week for Christmas, that everyday till Christmas I will post something.
Do not forget to follow me on Instagram:  (Also DM me when you do)

So life Update! πŸ‘‹

I somewhat made up with my friend I told you about. I guess we have that long term friendship that is hard to be broken, but even though their feelings involved once upon a time. I know I still stand with the decisions I made back then, not being anything more than just friends, because I knew from the beginning it would never work.
I think the reason we "fought" is because he knows he still have feelings but he cannot do anything about it and he tried to push me away. Which is understandable, but at least be upfront about it. I do not think we could ever be as close as we once was, but I know we are friends, whatever that means. If he messages, I'll reply. Other than that I really do not know.

I think it pretty clear I'm still in love with my ex, then again I was basically with one person for five years and nothing tragic happened, like we never cheated, but they was some issues, issues that could of been fixed, but you know when you are the only person that fixes a relationship, it gets annoying and you feel like the next person do not care. I guess I stop fixing it so it feel apart. Somehow I always had hope that we could mend fences, but after having a few conversations here and there with him, One, talking to him is so boring!! Oh my god! I was wondering if our text messages were this dry and boring when we was together. I think, I also realised we cannot get back together! We cannot even have a decent, fun conversation, how could we rekindle anything, with some dead conversations. But he is my bestfriend, well he was my main best friend.So I guess he still have that title.

 So every time the relationship topic comes up, I always say if it happens naturally, then let it and go for it. Do not ever force something. This me who saying that, who have not kissed anyone since she broke up with her boyfriend, like I never kissed anyone in more than a year. And only kissed one guy my life lol.
Now when something actually did, happened naturally, I got scared and practically in someways pushed him away. Like I love whenever he is around. It's more fun. Like I could have any conversations with him, any hour of the day. You know I love your presence when it's 3am and you could make me laugh. Like he sang on the phone and recited this poem, it was the most amazing, cutest thing ever. Then randomly, we was walking and our hands fell into each others. But it never feels weird! Like we was sitting in the car and it happens again, but it do not feel weird. But we had the conversation. I told him, I'm not ready to be in a relationship.
Then I think it got a little weird, a little, but then a day in school I really needed him, something was wrong, one those days that you just need the person you been talking to for hours, like from time you wake up to till you fall asleep. But we was not talking. But he is friends with my friends. So I was like call him, tell him come. He was like he now got up and going to do work. So I decided to call, because I really needed him. He told me what he told her and then was like okay I am coming. This boy does smell so good. lol. Like I could hug him forever, he smells so good.  I like the fact that even if we kinda have issues, he came when I needed him the most. Now that is what I call true friendship.

Also, I really do not like part of my degree, the Biochemistry part, I love the Biology degree. I really want to drop the Biochemistry. I wish my credits go over and I get them. I am going in tomorrow to talk to the dean. Pray for me! That I get to drop it. I want to do something I am passionate in. I do not want to do a degree, just to do a degree. I love writing my blog, I want to travel and write, I want to help kids all over the world, I would love to go and help teach.

Anyone doing those stuff and want me to volunteer or work for your cooperation, email me or message me on Instagram.

That is it for today!!! Look out tomorrow for another post :)
Stay positive and love yourself, You are beautiful.

Tuesday, December 12, 2017

Broken down!

Never have I ever felt so broken down and lost! Times when you cannot fake the smile, it is like the broken pieces of your heart it expanded and you cannot feel. But when you start to feel, you feel all the feels. Never have I ever felt so much pain, it is like your screaming inside and the noise cannot surface.

I keep repeating its just a bad day, not a bad life. But I just cannot see this pain going away anytime soon. It is like your stone cold! And it is getting colder and it hurts. I need my idiot person who I run to, just so they can tell me everything is going to be amazing and that I am brave. But that person is not my person no more.

I just need to feel like me again, I miss the old me, I do not know where she disappeared. Grr, have the worst exam tomorrow, I really need a miracle for this one.

Good night Sweetdreams, I love you. AlwaysπŸ’“

Monday, December 4, 2017

Pray for me!!

Guys, girls, Everyone under the sun! LOL

My exams starts tomorrow!!!! I am freaking out a little! Because this month is like the worst for me! thinking about the fact that my grandmom died in this month last year! Like it still hurts it just hurts lots more in this month!!

Keep me in your prayers and pray I get A's and B's. Pleases!

Good luck to everyone that has exams like me! Good luck and I know you are going to do marvelous.

Thursday, November 30, 2017

Am I crazy? LOL

I know I do not post a lot! Well this is like my vent to place. I guess!! I thing it is because I would never think or believe that anyone would actually read my blog! Like I know I see the stats, but I still do not believe it!! LOL, If you and reading this now I really appreciate it and you taking a few minutes to read it, find me on Instagram.

I have been struggling, with my heart and my brain! I do not think it is first love syndrome!! I think its because I broke all my rules for him! Like I never let anyone into my life besides him! Like I loved him hard! I never did it! If you caught what it is! That never happened! So I know for a fact it was never based on that! It was based on pure love!

I really think it would be hard for me to open my heart and love someone else at this point! Like that guy have to break down so serious walls and truly prove to me that he is in it for the long run. Is it bad that I have not moved on yet! Or is it perfectly normal. Like I know I am not the type of girl to just jump into a relationship because someone says they have feelings for me!

Like you know, I have been asked to be in a relationship! But I rejected that, I do not even know what he was thinking, we was not even talking, had no signs of me being interested.

I am just wondering if I already met the one and I let it go! Or I have not met him yet and he is out there, somewhere??

Sunday, November 26, 2017

Time to Move ON!

I was in a relationship, once in my life! I had that moment in time, when we was doing absolute nothing, and I looked at him and I was like yups, I could see myself with him forever. Forever ended a year again.

It been a year and I still have been built the courage to move on, but how do you move on from something you wanted to last a lifetime. But how could you not move on when they also never made the effort to get you back!

Do not get me wrong, I love him and still do, would not I tell him, hell no! I know we could fix it, but I know that would be me fixing it and him not doing anything. I not going to be like, hey idiot we could work it out, all you need to do is have effort! Put in effort.

But then their is apart of me that thinks that it did not work the first time, who says it going to EVER work!!! Like maybe we both have to move on! Or maybe he has already! Or maybe I am waiting to see him move on, so I could.

Then, part of me is scared that when I do move on with someone, that friend of mines would come tell me how he actually feels, it be to late but I know that is when he would, I know my ex would not do shit! He be like okay, time for him to move on!

What do you do when your heart wants one thing but your brain says it the dumbest thing you will ever do. But then piece of you heart says you met someone who you actually fell for you and afraid to hurt you and he was upfront with his feelings! Like girl why are you sticking and thinking about everyone else feelings. Like give it a chance. But then part of you feel like you are waiting on something that you do not know , what it is or why you hoping you know.

I really do not what I want anymore! Like I know what I want, but like I do not think it would work or it is logical! I sound like a guy, haha LOGIC!!!

What you think! Is love enough to fix stuff! Or it needs more than love! I think you need more than love. I think I just want effort and consistency and someone than if I stop fixing they pick the lack and show we they in it for the long run!

Him Again!πŸ˜•

So I deleted him, like from facebook, whats App, Instagram!! Like what the hell. I was ready to leave him in the past! Like screw the fact that I careπŸ˜• for him and I know that would never change! Like something could happen now to him. And I would be there! SMH.

So who would message me, himπŸ˜•. " You have me for the long run" like really, that is what you going to tell me. REALLY! I left it on seen. Like what was I to say! Yea sure!!!! Lets see how far we go pretending to be friends!!! SMH.

So I saw him, I was like, I clearly need to resolve this before I knock him down. You know when their is so much to be said but you do not know how to begin. I was like do I say hi, hello, heyy,, his name,, I hit him with my phone.

So I said, "Do you want to talk or sum!" Like i honestly did not realised I said or some!!! So he agreed but after he finished what he was doing. I was like k kool! Like boy, you little idiot! I made the effort!!! SMH

So some stuff occurred!!! Clearly he is not allowed to speak to me! Like my boy reaches home around 9, so tell me why the day I wanted to talk! The person made him leave at 6pm. Like I caught what was up. Like he did not have to come tell me, " I have to leave, can we talk to more or sum?" like first of all do not say that if you was not going to find me and sit down like a grown man and have a honest conversation!!!

So I vented to my friend! You all know me comes to people I might tell you some details but not much! So I just told her! She was like you have to talk to him, like knock sense into him girl. I honestly at that point did not want to. Like I care about him but only way to get him to tell me how he really feelings, we have to have a one on one, no one around situation to talk everything over. I am going to get him by myself because some people always stick around him.

Next day, I did not see him at all. I was like damn, he got told to stay home. I was like okay I do not need to talk. I walked passed later in the afternoon, like the place was dark. Guess who was there. We have this weird connection that I feel like I could feel when he is around. Sounds weird ent!!!

So I walked up and I was like, hey you want to talk today!! He was like if he lost this wrong or some crap like that. I know he could make that shoot, but lets face it when I am standing next to him he gets nervous I feel. So I was like do not say it is my fault you missed that.

So this lovely!!!!! Human finish is game! Went and told someone, his what I like to call his bodyguard something. So they sat down together. Like boy you supposed to be coming by me! So I looked at my friends like why do I care, wasting my time!! SMH! I was like screw it I am going over. I was like can me talk. Him yeah, but he cannot go to far. I was like I know... Him, I not working now, I was like I know it is that. Like boy I know you cannot go out of site from the bodyguard.

Now this conversation, got me upset. So I basically asked him to be honest a million times. He was like how he was going to leave it how it is, basically not fix the friendship.  I was like so why message me the same thing over and over. Like just do not message me. I was like further more why did you even replied to the last message. In my head, Like boy I was done. This idiot said to me: " He need to get his life/stuff together, then he can give me a honest answer!" I was okay, I turned around and went to my friends and left. I was like what he means by that. Like we are friends. Like how hard it is to differentiate me as just a friend.

So I saw his close friend, I was like we talked, I was like I so done. I was like you know what is his problem I think, I think he know realising how deep his feelings run for me. I was like he have a lot of feeling for me that is why we cannot be "Just friends" His friend, was like, am I thought we understood this since the beginning. I was like I had the thought, but I was hoping it was not true!

So my friend who was there that night, was like he cannot just be a friend to you, you would  not of put effort to save anything if it was just friendship. I was like their was someone between us, even though I say it was not real, I was real, It was the zing that you get once in your life, the person you remember maybe. But I am over it, I cannot be fighting for a friendship, but had more than friendship feelings, like I made my effort, now its if he makes the effort.

I will always care about him, that would never change, but I am not going to show it! He is always going to be a guy that I would never forget!!! A friendship I thought would last time the end of time. The plan date that we made but never went on, because life happened.

Sunday, November 12, 2017

This is part of me, he is part of me!

You ever had a strong crush on someone! Like everything about them made you want to be with them.  I wanted him! I honestly wanted him! But then I thought he had a girlfriend so I was like whatever not going to waste my time crushing over a taken boy! I was like 15 maybe! Or maybe younger not sure! I think 14!

So I crushed on him, and we was in the same class and I never spoke to him for about a year! So within that year I found out the girl I thought he was with was in a relationship with someone else!!!! And spontaneously we became friends! Like really good friends!

Our conversations were timeless. Something about him and the type person he was made me want to know everything about him! Like we were never together, never kissed, but they was a zing between us. Some kind off force that made it feel so natural! Like he called me all those cheese names like baby, babe, babygirl , wifeey! But it felt natural! I remember one valentines we both were single and he was like you are my valentines! Like what! And he put as his status happy valentines to my wifee. lol

To be honest, he is my what if! But I always knew we could never be together. Always something stopping us! I know he loved me! I loved him. But something always get in the way. I am 20 now and we been friends since, he the first thought that comes to my mind when somethings wrong. He the person I want to vent to!

I learn over the year not to depend on him. So now even though I want to vent to him I never. We are so a like that we always get stuck in the same situation because we are too stubborn.

so be honest! We have so much history! But that would take another blog post to talk about!

Then post is about the fact that we stop being friends! It honestly broke my heart! We have been fighting for months and I nor him wants to come face to face and talk it out. I think it is a lot more that he makes it out to be, and he knows I can see though all this "BS". We stop communicating in person, we used to sit down every morning and talk, talk about everything. I miss that. I miss him and his annoying ways! Like I used to complain about him being annoying but I miss it now!

So numbers are deleted! Friendship is deleted. But I will always love and care about him. No he will never read this thankfully!!! But I will always be here for you, that was a promise we had from the beginning. I did love you, but I never said anything.
You would of always ended up with her, because if I told you how I felt then, to be fair my emotions was all over so I was not thinking about feelings. I was never being an option, I would of left and you would of ended up with her.

I know my presence affects you, I know you miss us, because deep down inside i think you wanted more and we need communicated. Now it is over and all we have is memories and we still care and love each other.

Thank you for being there for me when I needed you!

I always thought I would of have you for the long run, through the good and the bad! I never needed you in my life I wanted you in it. That is the difference.

I am a little broken! My heart pains, I am so sorry for anyone that have to go through this.

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Monday, October 23, 2017

It's been a minute!

I have been fighting the urge to write this post! Remember that close guy friend of mines, the one I used to  have feelings for, but never went with because we were better of as friends. Or maybe that is what I made myself believe to stop feeling for him.

So we are official broken apart! A long while now, like since beginning of August! That long. Have you ever met the guy version of yourself! The same stubborn ways! Like you are so a like that you think the same so you always stuck in one spot! That is basically us!

We mask how we actually feel. So I know he thinks I do not care and that i am "unbothered". HE makes me feel to knock him down at times! I really cannot understand why we have been through what we have been through. Like we were never together, but we act like have been. Well now we do! You would swear we are ex's that hate each other. We do not hate each other though!

Have you ever cared about someone so much, that you let them go! I think that is what I did. I really do not know how to explain us!

I must say: You made the effort on text messages, but I wanted you to make the effort more in person. I know how you actually feel, but I also know you are to scared to say it! You are to scared of what that actually means!

This is where I end, that friendship! Once upon a blue moon is all I have left of who he actually was! I really do not know where he disappeared to! I would love to have the guy I used to be able to message in the middle of the night because i was scared of something! The guy I could fight with and make up with in the morning! I want that guy back, but it seems like he disappeared!

Guys, do not let a lifetime friend spill away! It hurts like a broken heart! Especially when their is whole lot of history!

Saturday, September 16, 2017


So I have been using these product for a while now and I am honestly in love!!! I been trying to see what my curls like. Basically this little post is to tell you about a post I got tagged in!!!!




#Lottabody tag me!!! ME 

Well they took one of my post that I tag them on and placed it on they page... I was so excited! 
Honestly after a day or two and currently my profile do not have access to the page. It is like I am blocked from it!! Yes I emailed them about it and they said I was not blocked. 

But If I go through my profile to find them I always see no post!! But if I log off and search their profile I find it!! CONFUSED!!!
Go like the picture!!! 
Try out they products!!

Tuesday, September 5, 2017

Year 2 Of University!!

     I entered University with a guy I thought would forever be my guy. Then as the months went by how relationship fell apart. To be honest. I never expected it ever end. I never thought I would of marry anyone but him.

This break up, broke me in a way. I could never put in words. Well it was my first relationship and it was over 2 years and we were friends 2 year prior to that. I do not see myself in any relationship no time soon. I feel like I need a couple years to process..

More important news! I started my second year of university.. My goal is to get a 4.0!!!!!
I am doing my Bachelor's Degree in Biochemistry and Biology. Guys keep me in your prayers.

The goal is work ridiculously hard for that 4.0 this semester!!!

I wish you all best in the new school semester. I hope you are not just fine, but that you are a sunny day at the beach!!!

I really want to make this blog a main part of my life!! So any suggestions????

Sunday, August 13, 2017

The Bachelorette Season13 - Rachel Lindsay

This was the first Bachelorette I ever watched; well at least from begin to end. I had four favourites. In no particular order: Alex Bordyukov, Dean Unglert, Peter Kraus, and Bryan Abasolo.

I truly like Rachel; she is role model to a lot of young girls. She is an amazing person. I will take this time to congratulate her and her nice soon to be husband. I wish you both an amazing, long happy life together.

The last four were Dean Unglert, Peter Karus, Bryan Abasolo and Eric Bigger
Dean and Rachel
Dean Unglert
 The men listed above, she when to their home towns. Surprising the most difficult one was Dean Unglert. He had family drama and let’s face it everyone has family drama. So if that had anything to do with her decision I would not call that being fair. To be honest if Dean feeling were so true why did he go on Bachelor Paradise? Not to say anything bad about him. He is wonderful, He absolutely gorgeous. I really hope he finds the love he deserves and he live is life to the fullest!! He is so young! Boy, it's not time for you to settle down. See what is out there and choose wisely!

SO Dean left!

That left Eric, Peter and Bryan.
Eric and Rachel
Eric Bigger

So Eric, I think he found part of himself in this journey a part that he never knew could exist in such a short time. He realised he can open his heart to love. He realised that he could let someone in and allow them to help him. He is a good man. I wish him the best! Hey the beard looking good!! #revengebeard #Newman!

So time to send home one of the three incredible men!! So her game plan is to get engage in the end. I think I understand Peter. I think her mom really appreciated the fact that he would not just propose because he was told he has to. He wanted to build with her first. So thinking that she wanted a ring at the end you will think sexy Peter was sadly going home. Not the guy would say he was falling in love with her.

So Eric Left!

That left Peter and Bryan.

What I thought was strange and maybe why everyone question the decision of the last rose! She was speaking directly to Peter! She wanted a Husband not a friend/ boyfriend!! My thing is you know he was not going to propose but you never sent him home!!!

See the finally maybe me think! If I was in her position (I was not! Amen) I would of gone Peter! To be fair I wanted him to run after her! Kiss her and tell her I want you. I want to be with you. A piece of paper does not mean my comment to you! I want marriage but that will come soon just not tomorrow.

Okay let’s stop talking about sexy Peter and move on to Bryan.

So as the episode played on, I was all for Bryan. He never got involved in the drama and he made her his first property. But it starts to go a little downhill when he visited her family. They loved Eric and Peter. So why were her family so reluctant with Bryan??
I wonder if they accept him or at least got to know him a little. After all he is going to maybe their son in law???

Fast forward to the last day of the show! The day we found out who she was engaged to.

So we met all three guys! All three guys and everyone else in the world saw what happen on television for the first time since it happened in real life. So all the raw emotions of what happened instantly became real again!  My boy Peter cried again!!!

Eric came out!!! Being a complete gentleman and say the sweetest thing could of possible say. This shows his true character and how much of an amazing person he is.
Peter and Rachel
Peter Kraus
So Peter!! Peter brought in the tense. The passion that they both shared with was thrown through the window came flying back in. I personally think she wanted to be with Peter! She spoke directly to peter and said she wanted a husband at the end. So that to be is saying!! Get your personal issues figured out soon because I want you in the end!

I think what he said about the mediocre marriage is right! Hear me out! You were on a date with Bryan and all you can think about is what Peter said! You spoke directly to Peter in the rose ceremony! If you fully wanted Bryan you know he was the end game! Peter should have been sent home long ago!! Because he said to you very clearly I am not proposing!! What does she want a husband! So why not send home Peter if a marriage is not what he wants in a few days/ weeks!!! 

I think Bryan won by default!! Man of her dream! Who she wanted! Did not want what she want she wanted. Instead of being with him and seeing how amazing their life would be. She chose the ring! She knew that Bryan would propose!! That was not unclear! He made it clear. He is going to propose! 

If some much of people can see the tension between Peter and her! 

Of even I how have never met them!!! I wonder what Bryan mom thinks!! The only thing I see splitting them up is Bryan mom saying! You were not the main man in her life. She wanted the other guy not you baby boy!

I think Peter should have won! I honestly agree with his concerns of the marriage part!! I would want to just marry someone who has been dating 15 men while I was around! Let’s date! Let’s see home dating one guy is. Dating just him and have a million dates and let him propose the way he wants to not just propose because he was told on that day he had to. 

The soon to married couple! I wish you the best! I hope you have everything you ever wanted!!
Mr and Mrs Abasolo
 So Bryan got the first rose and the last rose!🌹

OOOOh I know this late! And I had my thoughts all jumble up! But honestly that’s how I felt! 

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Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Skincare -Biore Deep Pore Charcoal Cleanser

Hello lovies,

Since I was really small or as far back as I can recall I never liked cream/lotion. It always used to feel sticky. Especially if I go out to play whenever I got breaks at school. Now I am turning 20. My mind-set has change! I need to take care of my skin. I like in the Caribbean. So dry skin. Girl if you feel the sun where I live. You feel like you are vampire walking outside. 

I walked into Super Pharm a while ago. Not think I will buy anything, because it was my mom who wanted to get a box dye. I was walking around. I found this face wash. Then I found next to it was the charcoal mask everyone is using. I really want to try the mask but I am a chicken!! 

So then I ended up at the beauty section. Stumble upon the brushes section. I do not own a foundation brush. So I was looking for one. I found one, but could not find the price. To be honest, I do not wear makeup but when I have too like family events I try a little something. I bought a foundation a while back for my cousin wedding. Yes! I only own one foundation. 

Looking for the price, still up to this day I never saw the price tag for that brush. I saw the cutest brush ever. Like the design was amazing the brush was just screaming buy me girl! It was use for applying BB creams. Which I sometimes use. 

Then is where I was stock at crossroads. I was like buy the pretty brush or the face wash. I was like you need the face wash. You need to start your taking care of your skin journey now girl. So in the end I choose the Biore Deep Pore Charcoal Cleanser.

I have been using it for more than two weeks now. I have seen improvements. I choose to use this instead of getting the charcoal mask. I considered the fact that it contained charcoal so using it every day that using a mask once was the better option. 

It has a cooling feeling after you use it. It makes your skin feel fresh and clean after every use.  It contains 6.77 FL. OZ (220mL). I really like the product. Yes! I will purchase it again. It is great for oily skin, which I have so I go like the product a lot.

The product says: That Charcoal is a common ingredient founf in nature, is known for its ability to draw out impurities and trap them. The bottle informs that the product  draws out and traps 2x more dirt and impurities than basic cleaner, purifying pores to leave your  face deeply cleaned and your skin tingly-smooth. Pores are twice as clean after just one use.

I use the product twice a day. In the morning and before bed.

No this is not sponsored nothing on the blog is.

To get a greater knowledge about the product and the brand/ company: 

How to find the product click on the links:


Ulta Beauty


Tell me about products I should use to maintain this skincare journey I am taking. 

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