Tuesday, July 17, 2018

Why somethings has changed!

I always thought of marriage as one of the biggest commitment.
It still is.
But I know it just a paper and kids to me is more of the commitment.
But honestly! Now I do not think I want to get married! Or maybe not the wedding part.

If this was a few years back, I could tell you ever detail of what I wanted my wedding to be like.
But after I lost my grandmother.
Something changed. I changed.
I think its the thought  that she will never meet the person or the person would never get to meet her.

It just breaks my heart that she would not know who they are.
But if I do meet someone...
I think I just want my parents, his parents (sibling/s if he have) to go to Paris and just sign papers.
Think rent a villa or stay at a hotel for a week with the family and when they leave.. spend a few more extra days alone.

You know what is funny when I was a kid.
I wanted to get married when I was 23.. or in 2023
Am turning 21 and I have been single for most of my life.
So the old plan was to get married at 23, have kids at 25...
Lawd have thing change.

To be fair I do not put myself out there at all.
So I should not complain about being single.. when I have not made an effort not to be..

Its funny how I literally met my teenage "type" and I still did not even make an effort..
Tall, dark hair, blue eyes... I met a guy with blue eyes. had an amazing conversation with him and I still did not make an effort.. He just my replacement memory for horrible memories at sacc.. I guess.

Mr.right do not come this summer.. come whenever the time is right..

Tuesday, July 10, 2018

Justin and Hailey

Okay so at first it was a shook!
But then I watched a few videos of people opinions..

This what I think..
Okay Selena.... Yes he hurt her.. Yes they were each others first love.
But I think the reason they keep going back together is because.
He know he hurt her.
Everyone made it clear to him that he did..
But also everyone wanted them together..
So he keep trying to fix it.

Then some where down the line he found Hailey..
Who he clearly could see a future with but at the same time he did not want to hurt her.
So they remained really good friends..
I watched that he once said. He could see himself marrying her.

So he knows what he wants. And maybe he tried to please everyone around him.
Now he is doing what truely makes him happy.
Being with someone who makes him happy always not just part time..
But we will never know because we are not them...
Only they know how they actually feel.

Congrats to #Justin and #Hailey

Wednesday, July 4, 2018

Update!

My heart is so relieved.
I could finally exhale.
Thank you..
My uncle finally woke up. Amen
Thank you for your prayers.
Thank you

Tuesday, July 3, 2018

Question of the day, by my friend!

Should you forgive but not forget what was done, but still go back?
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I should not be that person to answer this.. due to know I feel at the moment.. But I do. I want to take a moment.
My uncle has recently had open heart surgery and I do not if he out of the wood yet..
But I really want him to recovery really soon.
Because it is breaking my heart to know he is in a hospital in an other country.
And I can get to go see him. And know if he doing okay right away..
I wish I could go to Florida right now.
Please keep him in your prayers and pray that he get stronger and recovers quickly.
Thank you.
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I believe it is okay to forgive a person.
But never forget what they have done nor how they made you feel..
Because honestly it is not what they did but how they made you feel..
But it is your life and if you choose to go back... then go back.
But keep in mind. The time and the things that were done has change you both.
So do not go back acting like how you were before.
If you start over.. Actually start over.
Get to know to truely know the person..

Like yeah you doing to go through the phrase
When you think, I could never find someone else.
But if you could not, why did the relationship end!!

Lets get real...
Now they going to be all nice and sweet when they want you back.
But you cannot forget the pain they put you throw.
Like remember the pain and think if you want to feel that again and if it is worth it.

Okay so I ended my relationship..
So I was talking to my friend about it someday.
I was like I cannot complain about being single when I ended it.
Now this my point, yeah you ended it but does not mean you were the cause of it being over.

I know the causes... but somehow in my situation it takes the smallest detail and inflated it to be the main thing. Maybe I was the wrong person and maybe it was my fault.. But if you keep tell yourself that you just doing to slowly damage yourself. It takes two people to start a relationship and two people to end it.

If you only want to go back because you have not find someone new. Then done.
First think about if you truely open up yourself to allow someone to come find you. Have you given anyone a chance?
Do not be talking to another person, wasting they time and wanting the old person.
If you started to know to anyone give them a fair, honest chance.

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I feel like I have not answered the question.
Because my emotions are sky rocketing with the new I got, Its not good.

Uncle, You said you was going to call me back. That literally cannot be your last words to me...
You need to call me back. You need to come back..
I need you to come back..
I really hope you fight this and get better now...



Tuesday, June 26, 2018

End of an Era!!!

I finally feel free..
Like everything is over..
Like the door of relationship.. or friendship is over...

My whole life their been three boys that stands out...
One gave me butterflies that no one ever made me feel since and I will never forget how I met him... One I truly loved and one I cannot put into words.

But I feel like today..
Today... Everything I felt for all of them has finally left...
The door has closed on them..

Now Time for a new beginning..

Late night/ early morning thoughts

So I watched Midnight sun,... if you have not, do yourself a favour and watch it...
End of it got me in a mood.
Like a real what the hell mood....
This what I was thinking... I wrote it down as I cried...

How could I still be so in love with someone, but never had/have the courage to tell them.... '
How can all these year/s past and I do love him... or maybe I love the version of him I used to know.....
It is too late now........ Yet I know my heart wants him.... but when I look at him I do not see the boy I was madly crazy about.
But my heart wants him...
Or maybe I am confused.
But what I do know is that I have to let him go...

Life so short and we complicate things...
We look for all the reasons it cannot work instead of letting it happen..
What if we let it just happen and feel the beauty of it...
And if it ended at least something beautiful happened..

For me, I know it is too late... For you maybe not...
And maybe for me it is not..
But I know it is...
If you have a slight hope it could... let it be..

Monday, June 25, 2018

Acting like my life is over....

I honestly act like if my life is totally over, but it has not even started.
Yeah I been in one relationship...
Which pretty much makes me feel like never being with anyone else.
Which means never kissing anyone else.. lawd..
I got to break that... But I do not want to just kiss a random person..

It does have one person though... I really do not know why... but I remember sitting in class a time..
It was one of my boring classes. That I did not have friends in.. so I stayed by myself in the second or third row..And the class did not start as yet..  I do not know why but I just thought about kissing this person and that made me feel some chills..Like what added to it was his words.
That he said once upon a time...
"I know its not as easy as pulling you close to me, making you close your eyes and feeling your lips on mines......" 
 I just remember thinking damn,, if that happens... But nah! Never kissing that human..

I want someone that makes me feeling like he did, but even more.. But not right now... or maybe now.
But that is up to God. Whenever he decides my broken heart can open up to someone else.

I have to remember my goals... the things I want to do...
I want to travel the world and photograph it.. Step one!_ Get a camera or at least a good phone..
I want to help kids around the world..
I want to donate to organizations that helps persons in need.
I want this blog to mean something to someone..
I want to be happy.. fall in love.. find my passion that is my job that gives me the most time to have a family of own..

I really want to have kids someday.. I want to be so in love with someone.. that when the kids do something or looks like him.. It makes me fall in love with him all over again..
I want to live, not exist.

I want to make a difference.

I have to remember, even though my heart is broken now, it is not the end of my world... It is now actually starting.