Monday, February 26, 2018

I finally got closure and validation!!

I think even four years ago I knew what we had was real, real to the point where I knew it would not end without leaving with a million unspoken feelings.... I really did love him, I fell for him too deep too fast so it scared me... He thought his search was done and that scared me... Now four years later... It might.. nah it is over!!!

He pushed me away because of the feelings that we had many years ago.. but made it look like because I had those feelings and told him I did.... so he tried to push me away, and make me hate him... how could I ever hate him when I loved him..

The truth is he has feelings and realised I might of said yes if he asked to be together, but he went with someone else... Oh well.. I feel bad that he still has those feelings... I hope he is happy and really love his life without me....

End of the one friendship that I always thought I would of had for a lifetime....

Friday, January 19, 2018

A week in the Hospital!

I spent a weak in the hospital. Which was really hard because it was weird not being in my own room. But the nurses were really nice to me. But I just wanted to tell you why I have not blog at all this month. Also I am fine now, no need to worry.

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Monday, January 1, 2018

Happy New Year, I hope this is the year, you find your soulmate and your passion. I hope this year is the most amazing year. I hope this year no one settles, I want you to fight for what or who you want in your life.

Promise me, If you truly love someone, to the moon and back, Tell them. Tell them and always show them how much you love them.. If she or he is the one you want for the rest of your life, make the move and put in the effort, because you know they are worthy having for a life time......

I love you. Happy First Of January!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <3 br="">

Sunday, December 31, 2017

Our story- The donut shop romance!- Wrapped up and time to put away!

I remember this day like if it was yesterday. I remember that school was over and my friend and I was walking out going to wait for the bus. But you know when your friends have other friends that are kinda annoying, but you just smile and act normal. LOL so she came and decided to walk with us. I saw one my friends from primary school, and I decided that I will walk with him instead and meet my friend where we wait for the bus. So walking and talking about, I cannot remember what, but this tall, fair skin boy came up at the side of me. So my friend introduce us. His actual name, I did not hear what it was when my friend said it. So when the guy asked me what his name was. I replied sorry I cannot remember. To be honest, he was my friend, friend I did not really care to remember his name. To my surprise, I did not know then I would of fallen in love when him.

From that day on, I think we saw each other everyday since. I was in that school for years now, and never saw him. but one encounter and I never not saw him again. We chit chat after school. Then to my surprise we were Facebook friends already. (Hitting some memories I locked away) So started talking there and we talked after school. At this point it was a tradition, I saw him everyday after school. So by this time, our main place and where it all began, was the doughnut shop.

So we started off as friends, I did not like him from the get go. I  think after getting to know him. I started to fall. So this kid decided to buy be a doughnut, why? I really do not know. And for some weird reason I wrote the date on the brown bag and kept the bag. I still have that bag. That was back in 2013. I really do not know what made me keep the bag, I did not know how I felt about him, nor how he felt about me. But I guess my heart knew before I did.

So the only person, I ever told everything to about relationships, is my aunt from the doughnut shop, think she figured out before us, that we liked each other, before we did. I guess you can say we was the two people everyone wanted in a relationship, but we took years to actually get together. So he has really pretty brown eyes, You will think that I would realise the colour of his eyes, right. Nopes, we was friends for months. So we was standing outside, and we was just joking around being mean. I think I told him, when smiled it looked like the Grinch!!! haha.. I was joking, the away he looked at me and opened his eyes so wide, that is when I realized the colour of his eyes, I was like damn, his eyes are gorgeous,  then I forgot for a moment  what I was talking about..

This is the worst thing to write, I have to travel back to all these memories, do not get me wrong, I will never forget them but at this point it is hard to think about them..

So the first time he asked me to be his girlfriend, it was over the phone, and he told me to think about it and when school reopens I can give him a answer. To be honest, he would of got a yes, but he added in the when school open part. So I am here thinking, Okay your going to ask me again in person when you see me in school! Right?  Nopes, Instead I heard he was with someone else. Soo He got a girlfriend. But we was friends.

So I was like whatever, lets get close to the other guy who clearly was interested, but even though everything and even he, himself is perfect. I knew if we got together it would not work. But we had/have a connected that no one till this day can break!! But we remain really good friends.You know who that is by the way.

So the fact that he left and did not care about what he asked me, I should of taken that as the biggest red flag!!! ENT!!! YES. I should of. But my aunt was talking to me about it... I cannot remember when they broke up, but it was like a year after we got together. But I continued getting close to my friend, like you left, I can move on with my life. Like I was convince to carry my friend to my prom, like my aunt was like you are single, he likes you a lot, take him. But I just did not want to complicate us.

Let's back track before prom, I think. Our first kiss, I remember it was in the doughnut shop, it was like a peck, and my bus had came, I smiled like a complete idiot the whole way home.

The next guy is somewhat important, that is what I told you the above part, lets be fair, thinking about that big red flag, I should of gone with my friend, RIGHT, But i knew it would not work..

So jump to when we was in lower six, 2014. He asked me to be in a relationship, this time we actually got past that question, and actually when into the relationship. The first person, I sadly told first, I kinda had to tell the kid, I choose to go into a relationship, plus he knew I liked the guy who the story is about. I think, they was a part when he told me choose him and not the relationship, so you see I had a lot of outs from this relationship, but never took it. But me and the friends, are always better of as friends. Hence, why we are still friends.

So the relationship started on 10/09/2014, I really not feeling to go through details, So whatever pops up in my mind, that is what I going to talk about, somethings might me left out, but who cares.

So first thing that pops up, I feel like the first few months of anniversaries were amazing, maybe the first two I got a card, then it just stopped. My card for the second anniversary is always going to be my favourite card, like that card I think made me think yeah this relationship was the best choice. And the first valentines card is my favourite, basically the things that were the first he put effort into, those where my favourite.

So one thing he had a problem with, was my friend, you know that new Demi song, Girl that gave me some deja vu, yes go watch, tell me you love me. So I know that the kid was just a friend, but he thought otherwise, which is one dumb because when you think about it, you left me, technically for someone else, I never went with him, so why have a problem!! but oh well. I think, that should of been a red flag, but I do not what I was thinking.

So then, I had this event to go to, and I took him. And Yes! We fought at the event, for a bit. Which was so dumb. But the part I remember, so my parent came for me, and he had to wait. but I forgot something at the place. But I never texted him I was coming back.. I collected it, then I spotted him, I did not say anything, I just walked over, sat on his lap and kissed him, one the place was dark, it was a party after all. I think that is one my favourite moments with him, one before I am not that type of person to make a move and I did that.

Lets talk family!! I love his family, they are really good, amazing people. To be fair, every time I buy pizza I remember his dad, because once he bought me a pizza and the way he dresses a pizza is amazing. I would never have anything bad to say about his family, I meant a lot of them. They where all amazing. So if anyone ever comes and ask. That is my answer. They raised their kids amazingly and whoever becomes part of their family is really lucky. And his grandmother is the sweetest!! Hope he always be the guy he is, when he is with his grandparents.

The moment, I realised, I did not just love him, but I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, we was in his mom store, and he was just sit down. We was not talking or anything, we were just sitting. I looked at him and I just randomly thought, he is who I can see myself with in the long run. Like I loved him more than anything. Like we went through a lot, doctors to him nearly dying. Everything. We went through a lot. But I think it made us, kind of stronger. (that be so much nicer to say if we were together.)

A moment, that made me smile, So a day we was walking to school, and our hands just fell into on another and it was like it was just meant to be that way. It was amazing. I was a prefect for a form one class, so I never wanted to be holding hands and they saw, but I am such a sucker for those cute stuff like holding hands.

Our parents met each other, my dad liked him, my mom also, she still does, because I never told them why we broke up. Which is not important. I was the person who always fixed us, I felt like he never tried to fix it, he just replied on me to. I just hated that. I honestly wanted space, but I never got it and it lead to us being officially broken up..

So, it is passed a year, No effort or him ever trying to fight for us to be a couple. Soo I think it is time to officially stop hoping he will man up and fight for who or what he wants. To be fair, I do not think we are mature, well not mature, more like do not think I want to know what or who he been up to this year. And If we ever, but now we comes to the conclusion it is not happening. I think we need to talk about the main issues of why the relationship ended. And who we been with, did stuff with, like I meant I would want to know, even though it would gross me out, but if we got together I do not want some girl thinking, she has the upper hand, like no I know about you love.

But it is had to give up on someone, you thought you was going to marry, have kids with. Have that couch that turns into a bed, so if he piss me off that is where he going. Like it is the little things that you remember, that make you sad. The plans you make with the persons, plans you realise you might be making with someone else.

My last words, I know it is a relationship, I would tell my grand kids about, he was my first love. He will always be important. He could end up in the hospital today and if his mom calls or I find out, I would be there. No questions to that.

Message to my ex, I hope you remember and stay the guy who I first fell in love with. I hope you has an amazing life. I hope you meet someone who you loves  and trust with your whole heart. I hope you never gets your heart broken or in any situation you cannot get yourself out of. I will always love you, but it is begin a year, and a year without effort of getting back together, it clear that what we had is/was not worth fighting for. So time to move on. Have an amazing life. Be the guy that run out of school and met me in five minutes time just to meet me, and once you are that guy, you will make anyone happy.

To be fair, I do not think, he knows me. I think if he truely knew me, he would of know I wanted him to fight for us, like show me effort, tell me how you actually felt. Tell me in person, something. But oh well....

My relationship is something I will never regret or ever want to fully forget, I hope we both find happiness and may be find our soulmates one day.

Last post!! So time to leave this chapter in the past!

Since today is the last day of the year, please fix something or a frienship, but mend fences with someone. Or just make someone smile today.💗

Friday, December 29, 2017

When is time to move on!!

I think the easiest thing is to say you MOVED ON!! or I moved on. It like we convince everyone around us that we moved on. It is way harder to convince ourselves. I was talking to my cousin last night. About relationships of course. So we came to the conclusion that if a girl breaks off the relationship is completely different from when a guy breaks off the relationship.

Guys are more mind strong, no hidden meaning. Once they make up there mind it is over it is definitely over. Now I could be wrong. Do not kill me. LOL this is just my opinions.

On the other hand girls, I think when we call for the break up, we want them to fight for us, show us some effort. But the thing is we do not say that. We either just ignore them or act cold.... But it depends on the situation if you cheated on her. When she says it is over it is most definitely over!

I think when you love someone and thought that person is the one, you will always have hope that, they are the one! but then you think, you broke up for a reason, and if you did break up maybe it was for the best.

I think if you think that person is the one, you have to fight for them, you both have to fight for the relationship. I mean if no effort is shown, then is really time to move on. I guess, I am writing this to convince myself that my relationship is over. NO effort and no relationship.

So the last post for this year, would be the story of that relationship, you know once it becomes a story it officially over. I think, even though I hope so how we would magical find our way back together. I think it is time to stop hoping. I guess, to be fair, Plus I highly do not think I want to know what and who he was up to this year, and talk though our issues...

I guess,  maybe it is better to start over fresh, with someone else. I not saying I am going into a relationship anytime soon. So stay tune, to read about that story of my life. I should finally close that chapter in my life... because it clearly cannot be fixed.

Sunday, December 24, 2017

DAy 6 AND 7 wrapped up!

Merry Christmas EVE!!!!💓
Still looking for my Christmas Joy or whatever! LOL I really just not feeling the Christmas Vibes, because soon as Christmas is over. It well make it a year since my grandmother passed.

I do not want to kill the mood!! So I want to say to everyone!!

Merry Christmas!!!  
Enjoy your day and be Merry.
💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋 Keep the Joy in your heart! Remember to smile and love yourself and everyone around you. It's time for new beginnings! So keep that smile on that beautiful face. Add me on Instagram so I can see how you spend Christmas with your family.

Friday, December 22, 2017

Day 5- A Little history!!

So it's the 22nd and I do not feel like Christmasee!! So as you can see I remodel the blog.. Do you like it? Leave me a comment below if you do. I like it a lot! That was I worked on today and last night.

I really want to go to the mall, so that I could get photographs for Instagram of the decorations, but my parents are stick and well my mom is never home, so I might never make it to mall....

So someone ask me, Why I have not allowed myself to like anyone or go into a next relationship?

In my life I would say there are three important guys thus far who has been in my life. I spoke about all three, some more that the others. The first one, I met when I was really young thirteen, back then I thought I was to young to be in a relationship. So I did not agree to the relationship part, but he is important because to me, I had my fairy tale moment with him. The way me met, the wedding. I have never felt like the way I felt when I met him, with anyone else. The way we met was amazing. The blog post The Butterflies were real was about him, click to read!

The second guy, he was my crush! From the first day I laid eyes on him, I was damn He is fine!!! So I liked him from the moment I saw him lol!!! It's the moment when the person your crushing on also likes you. LOL But that situation was complicated. Like I truly cared about him and part me think I was falling in love with him, but I also knew it would not work. And Yes my crush admitted he was in love with me. I could remember that day. And where I was.
One thing I miss about that moment in my life, is the conversations we had. The late night conversations. The way he tried to hide that he liked me but gave the most dumb hints. I remember one time I had a math test right, He knew I am one math nerd!! So I was like I am studying, I never study for math though. He said, if you do really well in this exam I'll take you on a date. I was like you know am really good at math right. He was like yeah! LOL
We had a lot of moments, but I never went into the relationship. WE remained really good friends, somewhat, he is the friend I been fighting with and making up with this year.
I always say I played my cards wrong with him, twice. Before my first relationship, I could of been with him but I did not, because I just knew it would never work out. Then after my relationship ended, I could of been with him again, but I did like I did not catch the hints. And the same girl who would of been a factor back then, showed up again, but this time I help them get together, which is so dumb never do that, ever!!!! Especially when you both had feelings.
I think, he understood, I had now gotten out of a relationship and I was not ready and he would of gotten a no. Like I saw all the hints, but I was like noopes!! Sometimes I do regret it, but then I remember you did not want to go into it in the beginning so no.
Worst part is, when he says, I should of taken my own advice, the advice I gave him now girlfriend. But I did not have feelings, I had a million feelings but feelings  for him was not at the top of the list.So kind of hard to be friends when you know, even though so much years past he still has all the feelings he once had.
But he like the friend, you have, that no matter what you can count on to be there.

I feel like I should just continue this about him! LOL

So I got close to one of his friends! When we was fighting, just to make sure he was okay. Like hey how is he! He good! That kind of close. So his friend and I was sitting one day after I had labs, My labs are from 1-6... So I was tired. So he asked, "Hey, can I ask you something?" Okay so I hate that line, it scares me!! Mine you I do not tell people about me and the second guy, if they know us, we are just friends.
So his friend was like, There was something between you and him right!, Me: NO!! lol ( lies!!!) He was like, you are lying. lol!!!!!!!!!!!!! He was like, honestly the only reason I asked is because, I thought you all was together the first time I met you and the randomly the next girl appeared so I was confused. He maybe the only person I ever sat down with and told that story to.
I mean, even though I am part of the reason they got together, I understand why his girl friend would not like me, it pretty clear whatever we had was real, even though if anyone ask me I would say it was not. And if his friends thought I was the girlfriend and approved.I would feel a way to.

So I push that friendship to the side. Like even though we made up!! I am not going to all merry and happy. Or sees him and be like heyyy and hug him NO!!! We used to see each other every morning and he would stay until I had class, I mean he annoyed the hell out of me but it was nice to have someone around.

The day I realized, we still had something after so long, was a day I was not supposed  to be in school! Like I only went because it was my friends birthday. So I was waiting for them. He came and normally he leaves around 8. Nopes, this day he stayed and did not leave!!! Like it was like 11 he was still by me. I was getting so sleepy. So I lie down on my  books that was on the table! I think he was on his phone or something. SO I was like nice he would not harass my soul!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOO he harassed me soon as I was about to fall asleep!

So I got up and lay on his side, like against his shoulder, but I could feel him breathing, like he was nervous or something. But I could feel his body going in and out! Then I was thinking, aww that so cute, the when my breathing pattern went in time with his.. like it felt like we was connected and our bodies was one. He chuckled and I moved, I was like noopes this cannot be happening. I never asked him if he felt what I was feeling though!! weird.
 The blog post Once in a blue moon, was our story!! Pieces of it, I left out parts I think. Click to read.

Well didn't  I stray far from the question! LOL

So my first relationship, I thought it was going to be the last!!! Like part me still thinks that, like we still talk! But not like talk talk!! Like seeing him with girls, never affects me, I am like okay whatever. I know what I been up to, so judging your new taste! LOL the people it affects is my friends! LOL Like they like really that's who he gonna like etc!!! Its only when they get in my head I actually pay it attention. But other than that, I could not care less.
I am not the type of person, to be go play friendly because you moving on or sabotage it. Like am happy for you boo, lol if that who you like do you!!! I see it more like, I know the real him and you just seeing the "nice" version till shit gets serious!

Plus I know I do not want to be in a relationship! Its not like no one wants to be with me! Like I know I could be in a relationship or be kissing some next guy now. I just choose not to.

This is why! I spent 4-5 years with one guy!!! I have time for myself. I can be free and do as I please, not thinking about how someone else feelings going to be affected. I do not what to give up my freedom and self space now!!! If the right guy comes and proves to me, he is the guy! I would give him the chance. But I am not the type of girl to go flirt with a guy because I like him, or go hold his hand because he is cute. NO! Am not going to kiss random guys. That's  not me. I never been the type of girl to "throw" myself onto a guy. I am not going to go above and beyond to flirt with some guy and give him all my attention because he is CUTE!!! NO

If I met a guy and it just flows and they is not any factors keeping us from being together. I would give it a chance to get to know him. But I am not going to be all flirtie and do the most, if the guy do not feel the same! Like his feelings got to match mines and his efforts has to match mines!!!

Honestly I am just not ready!! Not ready to give up my me time!! I honestly like being single! Its boring somethings but its been interesting. When you met a blue eyes boy and the conversation was amazing. Like girl that conversation was amazing, I was like amen I single. He was fine!!!!! And blue eyes. YES PLEASE.

But I think, whoever I am meant to be with with come, when the time is right. Now it time to get me right!!!!