Thursday, June 21, 2018

How does it feel!

How does it feel to get your heart broken.
I know I broke my own heart.. Not just because I ended it.
They say give him a second chance.
When I think about it his first chance was his second chance.

This is why.... Mine you I was fourteen...
So basically over the summer holiday he asked me to be his girlfriend.
But the twist was. I will give him the answer when school reopened.
September rolled around.... I waited for him to say, well what is the decision.. or ask me again.
Nope he did not.. After a while I found out he was in another relationship.....
That should of been my red flag.......... we stayed friends and everyone still wanted us to be together.

Honestly if he the asked me for my answer it would of been yes...
So you know that guy friend from the posted about before.. So I told him what happened. I was like am so over it,, he definitely friend zoned... My friend was like if you have feelings you should see what happens....

So they broke up.... The more than six months after he was still single... And when I was 17 we ended up being together... I guess we been friends and everyone wanted it... So I gave it a go.. But when I think about it, its like I was a second option.

Honest we fought a lot.. I remember one time we fought. And someone mentioned something in school and I think it triggered it and I started crying.. but I blamed it on something else... We did have good moments but I think they was more bad ones..

But through it all.. For some reason.. I still wanted him to be the person I marry.
Like I was so sure. Yeah we will work through it.
But it came a point were you cannot be the only person fixing it. Losing yourself for a relationship to work.

So we started going the same school.. Honestly, I could only remember being alone... Like I was by myself a lot. The one time I could remember him coming by me... It was when I was in food court in the back doing homework, he was there less than five minutes his friend came and he left with him.. Well I am not the type of person to be bothered about you liming with your friends... but... well I did not say nothing..

Eventually I was standing, back facing his direction calling my dad to pick me up. But I feel like I had to travel instead.. So walked up behind me. I felt a tap on my shoulder and the person said Lenora.. I turned around and it was my friend- yeah that friend- He hugged me.. but I think my dad called and I answered and he disappeared. Then the boyfriend appeared.

Honestly I did not really want to find this friend of mines. Like it had been weeks since school started and I never bothered to ask him where he be.. Like I texted him once, before school start to explain the timetable situation and that was that....

Now after I met that friend... I realised my then boyfriend decided ohhh I have a girlfriend to be around so he was around more often.. Just cause..
Mine you we been fighting way before meeting my friend.. I think I knew was over long before, I just did not want to admit it..

So my friend, knew about my boyfriend.. So he kept his distance. But it felt like he was vex with me. Like we full on acted like strangers.. So I was so annoyed. Once again I was by myself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! waiting to go a lab. So I made up my mind, I am going to see what the hell was the matter!.. So brave little me.. Walked in where he was, mine you it had girls surrounding him. so I tapped him on the shoulder, he turned. I was like can we talk... He was like sure, when.. I was like after lab..

So labs ended and it was after five in the evening. I called my dad he said he was on his way... Mission. go talk to your annoying friend, who was acting weird with you... So we talked. Like five minutes.. because I did not want to have no long conversation. We was cool!!!

Went to my spot. waited on my dad..

Then everything from that point when dark!!!
It is really dark that it still hurts.

Basically being told that you wanted someone else, or "throw yourself at someone" is not the nicest, especially when it is not true... Like I was made out to be this bad person... Like I have never been in another relationship before, never would want to cheat on anyone.. But knowing me since I was 14 and to make me sound like that type of person. Was when I was completely done.

Could you imagine already being broken up... It was done.. My friend was walking with this girl and I end walking along because it was in my direction and he hugged me bye. Then your ex heard, you was all hugged up with someone... after my break and even now, I do not like to hug, It more like a side hug thing, and I never hugged the guy back...

So I was proper humiliated in school... Because someone told my ex,,,, listen my ex... who basically said me hugging someone is me being a ..... figure that out. Mine you I never hugged the guy back..
Worst thing is,,, you know when you ended your relationship, but your know you can fix it.. so I was in that mindset grr!!!!!! I wanted to fix it... Plus I wanted my space to clear my head..

Then he does that.. And basically proves to you why breaking up with him was the right thing.
I was 19 then... I am turning 21 soon..

Still single.. Never found anyone interesting yet.  But I do wish the best for my ex...

Because we knew each other since we were 14, I would of like to think you would of trust me more. I guess no. But he is a good guy, would make someone else happy.
I been through a lot, cannot go with someone who can trust you,,, BS when they say I trust you just not him.. Like no the point of it is you trust me so that I would not give the guy a signal that makes him think he has  a chance... That is all am saying............

Being single for almost two year as been good.. Find back myself and being better... It took me a long while to stop being as broken as before.. But I am healing one day at a time..
Girl honestly a next relationship seems like a no... but I have not met anyone that sparks my interest and makes me want to fall head over heels for them.. So whenever that happens.. I will rethink the whole be in a relationship thing again... for now I am just enjoying finding myself.

Wednesday, June 20, 2018

Ever looked at someone!!

Ever looked at someone you used to fancy and think what the hell were you ever thinking?
That is honestly how I feel.
I look at him and think..............
Where did the boy who made my heart beat so fast that I get so nervous.
The guy that looked amazing.
But he was not just physically amazing, but we had good conversation. ( I do not know why I have an Irish accent type/thinking about this!)

Okay whole honesty!
I remember the first day I laid eyes on this boy...
I remember thinking he gorgeous, his hair was amazing...
Then eventually we got to know each other and him in real life was amazing..
But now--- When I look at him, is like what
Where is the 2014 version of you. huh

I remember back when we were more like, yeah I do have feelings- and it was mutual. But knew we should not be nothing more than friends. I remember having a Math exam.
Okay Mathematics and I were bestfriends I never actually studied for it. I just got it. But I remember him asking what I was doing, so I told him about the test....
So him responds was basically if you Ace this exam, we go on a date.

I was like boy, do you not know how good I am in math... He was like yeah. That is why I said what I said.... but girl I was young. I never took that dare serious and plus with my strict parents.
Please date where???
But for some weird reason we planned how the date would be...
Do not think I ever did that with anyone else. But that date idea was my version of a prefect date..

Hey am turning 21 and have not been on a date yet.
Sad!! It is really sad.

To be fair, only reason I remembered about that date idea. It is because he asked be pick a day, a place and time to met... Which your girl is not doing..
I told him-- If he cared about fixing our friendship he has to make the effort... And only make the effort when he actually really cared to..

So I was like, You making effort equals you planning it, bruh!!
To be honest.
I want my friend back. I do miss the mornings where we sat and talked about anything and everything.
I also do not want it back.

It is like. I care about him, but maybe this non friendship is good.
Like we are strictly friends.
And yeah I wanted our friendship to last forever, but maybe forever is up...

I guess I wanted it to last because, he is maybe the one person I gelled with. Like before our ridiculous fight, we fought but we made up in seconds, we lost touch with each other, but the day he randomly found me in school was like we never been apart.

What am saying is---
Our friendship would always mean the world to me. Because once upon a time, he was the only person that truly got me.

Like even if we maybe thought we had feelings, that was when we were teenagers, Kids.. It was basically nothing. Not jut because friendship was important but because.... when you meet someone that you bonded so well with, why would you destroy that!!..

Like I know, they say give it a chance if it was real and the friendship was real it worth the risk. because it would not end. But I do not think we could of been more than just friends then..

But maybe we might fix things.....
Honest if we do not, well
It was an amazing friendship whenever there was a friendship, and if he was not there for me, I am pretty sure I would be extremely depressed (after my break up situ), I am a little but I did not go into isolation mode.. for that and without me not even having to ask him to be there. I am glad he was.
If that how it ends, it ended splendidly.

Saturday, March 31, 2018


Hey blog, its been a minute since my last post..

I been down lately, like I feel so single.... I keep telling myself, that is what I want to be.. I just want to be single. When in all honesty I want to feel " In love" again... Which is hard, because I never put myself out there...

So only one person caught my attention... He is so gorgeous.. but I feel like I might not be pretty enough. I do not know.. But he caught my attention... but I wish he make a move or something... So my friend took my phone and DM him.... like I was so annoyed..... but I deleted it.. And of course he saw that.. he replied!!! It was a short conversation, I told him the truth, that my friend texted.. but that was short lived, because I never Dm him after nor did he...

But I think he thinks I do not like him... Well technically I don't because I don't know him, but I would like too.

oOOOh Universe!!! If he is the one I am meant to be with please send him... Or Just send Mr.right..

I cannot be the only one feeling this single!! Right!

Monday, February 26, 2018

I finally got closure and validation!!

I think even four years ago I knew what we had was real, real to the point where I knew it would not end without leaving with a million unspoken feelings.... I really did love him, I fell for him too deep too fast so it scared me... He thought his search was done and that scared me... Now four years later... It might.. nah it is over!!!

He pushed me away because of the feelings that we had many years ago.. but made it look like because I had those feelings and told him I did.... so he tried to push me away, and make me hate him... how could I ever hate him when I loved him..

The truth is he has feelings and realised I might of said yes if he asked to be together, but he went with someone else... Oh well.. I feel bad that he still has those feelings... I hope he is happy and really love his life without me....

End of the one friendship that I always thought I would of had for a lifetime....

Friday, January 19, 2018

A week in the Hospital!

I spent a weak in the hospital. Which was really hard because it was weird not being in my own room. But the nurses were really nice to me. But I just wanted to tell you why I have not blog at all this month. Also I am fine now, no need to worry.

Follow me on Instagram.

Monday, January 1, 2018

Happy New Year, I hope this is the year, you find your soulmate and your passion. I hope this year is the most amazing year. I hope this year no one settles, I want you to fight for what or who you want in your life.

Promise me, If you truly love someone, to the moon and back, Tell them. Tell them and always show them how much you love them.. If she or he is the one you want for the rest of your life, make the move and put in the effort, because you know they are worthy having for a life time......

I love you. Happy First Of January!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <3 br="">

Sunday, December 31, 2017

Our story- The donut shop romance!- Wrapped up and time to put away!

I remember this day like if it was yesterday. I remember that school was over and my friend and I was walking out going to wait for the bus. But you know when your friends have other friends that are kinda annoying, but you just smile and act normal. LOL so she came and decided to walk with us. I saw one my friends from primary school, and I decided that I will walk with him instead and meet my friend where we wait for the bus. So walking and talking about, I cannot remember what, but this tall, fair skin boy came up at the side of me. So my friend introduce us. His actual name, I did not hear what it was when my friend said it. So when the guy asked me what his name was. I replied sorry I cannot remember. To be honest, he was my friend, friend I did not really care to remember his name. To my surprise, I did not know then I would of fallen in love when him.

From that day on, I think we saw each other everyday since. I was in that school for years now, and never saw him. but one encounter and I never not saw him again. We chit chat after school. Then to my surprise we were Facebook friends already. (Hitting some memories I locked away) So started talking there and we talked after school. At this point it was a tradition, I saw him everyday after school. So by this time, our main place and where it all began, was the doughnut shop.

So we started off as friends, I did not like him from the get go. I  think after getting to know him. I started to fall. So this kid decided to buy be a doughnut, why? I really do not know. And for some weird reason I wrote the date on the brown bag and kept the bag. I still have that bag. That was back in 2013. I really do not know what made me keep the bag, I did not know how I felt about him, nor how he felt about me. But I guess my heart knew before I did.

So the only person, I ever told everything to about relationships, is my aunt from the doughnut shop, think she figured out before us, that we liked each other, before we did. I guess you can say we was the two people everyone wanted in a relationship, but we took years to actually get together. So he has really pretty brown eyes, You will think that I would realise the colour of his eyes, right. Nopes, we was friends for months. So we was standing outside, and we was just joking around being mean. I think I told him, when smiled it looked like the Grinch!!! haha.. I was joking, the away he looked at me and opened his eyes so wide, that is when I realized the colour of his eyes, I was like damn, his eyes are gorgeous,  then I forgot for a moment  what I was talking about..

This is the worst thing to write, I have to travel back to all these memories, do not get me wrong, I will never forget them but at this point it is hard to think about them..

So the first time he asked me to be his girlfriend, it was over the phone, and he told me to think about it and when school reopens I can give him a answer. To be honest, he would of got a yes, but he added in the when school open part. So I am here thinking, Okay your going to ask me again in person when you see me in school! Right?  Nopes, Instead I heard he was with someone else. Soo He got a girlfriend. But we was friends.

So I was like whatever, lets get close to the other guy who clearly was interested, but even though everything and even he, himself is perfect. I knew if we got together it would not work. But we had/have a connected that no one till this day can break!! But we remain really good friends.You know who that is by the way.

So the fact that he left and did not care about what he asked me, I should of taken that as the biggest red flag!!! ENT!!! YES. I should of. But my aunt was talking to me about it... I cannot remember when they broke up, but it was like a year after we got together. But I continued getting close to my friend, like you left, I can move on with my life. Like I was convince to carry my friend to my prom, like my aunt was like you are single, he likes you a lot, take him. But I just did not want to complicate us.

Let's back track before prom, I think. Our first kiss, I remember it was in the doughnut shop, it was like a peck, and my bus had came, I smiled like a complete idiot the whole way home.

The next guy is somewhat important, that is what I told you the above part, lets be fair, thinking about that big red flag, I should of gone with my friend, RIGHT, But i knew it would not work..

So jump to when we was in lower six, 2014. He asked me to be in a relationship, this time we actually got past that question, and actually when into the relationship. The first person, I sadly told first, I kinda had to tell the kid, I choose to go into a relationship, plus he knew I liked the guy who the story is about. I think, they was a part when he told me choose him and not the relationship, so you see I had a lot of outs from this relationship, but never took it. But me and the friends, are always better of as friends. Hence, why we are still friends.

So the relationship started on 10/09/2014, I really not feeling to go through details, So whatever pops up in my mind, that is what I going to talk about, somethings might me left out, but who cares.

So first thing that pops up, I feel like the first few months of anniversaries were amazing, maybe the first two I got a card, then it just stopped. My card for the second anniversary is always going to be my favourite card, like that card I think made me think yeah this relationship was the best choice. And the first valentines card is my favourite, basically the things that were the first he put effort into, those where my favourite.

So one thing he had a problem with, was my friend, you know that new Demi song, Girl that gave me some deja vu, yes go watch, tell me you love me. So I know that the kid was just a friend, but he thought otherwise, which is one dumb because when you think about it, you left me, technically for someone else, I never went with him, so why have a problem!! but oh well. I think, that should of been a red flag, but I do not what I was thinking.

So then, I had this event to go to, and I took him. And Yes! We fought at the event, for a bit. Which was so dumb. But the part I remember, so my parent came for me, and he had to wait. but I forgot something at the place. But I never texted him I was coming back.. I collected it, then I spotted him, I did not say anything, I just walked over, sat on his lap and kissed him, one the place was dark, it was a party after all. I think that is one my favourite moments with him, one before I am not that type of person to make a move and I did that.

Lets talk family!! I love his family, they are really good, amazing people. To be fair, every time I buy pizza I remember his dad, because once he bought me a pizza and the way he dresses a pizza is amazing. I would never have anything bad to say about his family, I meant a lot of them. They where all amazing. So if anyone ever comes and ask. That is my answer. They raised their kids amazingly and whoever becomes part of their family is really lucky. And his grandmother is the sweetest!! Hope he always be the guy he is, when he is with his grandparents.

The moment, I realised, I did not just love him, but I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, we was in his mom store, and he was just sit down. We was not talking or anything, we were just sitting. I looked at him and I just randomly thought, he is who I can see myself with in the long run. Like I loved him more than anything. Like we went through a lot, doctors to him nearly dying. Everything. We went through a lot. But I think it made us, kind of stronger. (that be so much nicer to say if we were together.)

A moment, that made me smile, So a day we was walking to school, and our hands just fell into on another and it was like it was just meant to be that way. It was amazing. I was a prefect for a form one class, so I never wanted to be holding hands and they saw, but I am such a sucker for those cute stuff like holding hands.

Our parents met each other, my dad liked him, my mom also, she still does, because I never told them why we broke up. Which is not important. I was the person who always fixed us, I felt like he never tried to fix it, he just replied on me to. I just hated that. I honestly wanted space, but I never got it and it lead to us being officially broken up..

So, it is passed a year, No effort or him ever trying to fight for us to be a couple. Soo I think it is time to officially stop hoping he will man up and fight for who or what he wants. To be fair, I do not think we are mature, well not mature, more like do not think I want to know what or who he been up to this year. And If we ever, but now we comes to the conclusion it is not happening. I think we need to talk about the main issues of why the relationship ended. And who we been with, did stuff with, like I meant I would want to know, even though it would gross me out, but if we got together I do not want some girl thinking, she has the upper hand, like no I know about you love.

But it is had to give up on someone, you thought you was going to marry, have kids with. Have that couch that turns into a bed, so if he piss me off that is where he going. Like it is the little things that you remember, that make you sad. The plans you make with the persons, plans you realise you might be making with someone else.

My last words, I know it is a relationship, I would tell my grand kids about, he was my first love. He will always be important. He could end up in the hospital today and if his mom calls or I find out, I would be there. No questions to that.

Message to my ex, I hope you remember and stay the guy who I first fell in love with. I hope you has an amazing life. I hope you meet someone who you loves  and trust with your whole heart. I hope you never gets your heart broken or in any situation you cannot get yourself out of. I will always love you, but it is begin a year, and a year without effort of getting back together, it clear that what we had is/was not worth fighting for. So time to move on. Have an amazing life. Be the guy that run out of school and met me in five minutes time just to meet me, and once you are that guy, you will make anyone happy.

To be fair, I do not think, he knows me. I think if he truely knew me, he would of know I wanted him to fight for us, like show me effort, tell me how you actually felt. Tell me in person, something. But oh well....

My relationship is something I will never regret or ever want to fully forget, I hope we both find happiness and may be find our soulmates one day.

Last post!! So time to leave this chapter in the past!

Since today is the last day of the year, please fix something or a frienship, but mend fences with someone. Or just make someone smile today.💗